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I only have a very short time period to insert anything into this journal, but I'm going to have to state something I desperately need to get off my chest. I hate who I've turned into. I hate whom I've become. I am completely lost when it comes to who I am, to the point where I don't know who I am or where the real "me" begins and ends.

I am completely lost when it comes to interacting with others. I don't know where their honesty begins and ends and I have no idea how to see through other people's facades. I try as hard as I can to analyze others and see whether they're being genuine or not, yet at the same time I seem to come across ever more duplicitous and devious personalities who are better and better at covering their real selves up. So I'm always left with a sense that I'm being laughed at or used or that all my efforts to shield myself from two-facedness are for naught. This is not what I had hoped or dreamed of happening back when I decided to try to become as guarded as I possibly could for the sake of not being taken advantage of.

That's it, ultimately. I have lived much of my time since turning 18 with the sense that I needed to take care of my overly trusting character and nature, to protect myself from being hurt by others. Yet nothing I do seems to work, and worse of all, I seem to be losing the concept of who I truly am because of all of this. Who am I? What am I doing? Why is it that this should be happening? I am fearful of the fact that I don't know the answers to these questions, and am horrified that I have had to turn myself into someone that I ultimately don't like for the sake of trying to protect myself, and that that hasn't done anything for me.

Ok, that's it. I'm going to be having to get off soon, but I just wanted to input that, to get it off my chest. Now I can go about the rest of my daily business.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Apr. 20th, 2006 08:31 pm (UTC)
Why is your primary goal not be taken advantage of? Not asking you to answer on the blog, just asking you to ask yourself.

I assume there were some situation(s) during your pre-19 years where it occurred and your response was to make it your #1 priority: to not be taken advantage of. Which you've been doing ever since. Perhaps it coincided with other events and hence you've created a link between "being taken advantage of" and "bad stuff happening"

Anyways, it seems like its a behavior you want to change? You now have a greater understanding of the negative ramifications of your behavioral patterns?

Make a list of things that are now more important to you than being taken advantage of. Do it without thought of realistically achieving them. Rank them in order of importance. Get an idea of what you actually want here without putting any thought (yet) into how to achieve it.

Realize that while people will, at least as a groupthink, always be self-serving assholes, on the individual level you can have longterm wonderful interactions with genuine people. It is possible to reconcile the dichotomy on an individual basis.

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )