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Counting the hours
Till the dawn
Now that I am starting to remember
How to love
How to learn
Draw like a child
Run for miles and miles
Now that I am starting to remember
Who I am


One of the most wonderful things about YouTube is the fact that they have just about everything under the sun. Just last night I was going through the myriad of videos they have available for viewing and was able to spot quite a few videos from "Sesame Street" that took me back to the days when I was a little girl, actually watching "Sesame Street" and "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" and a whole host of other programs PBS had available for children in the mid - late '80s (ca. 1984 - 1989). At first it was a sort of "Oh wow, I can't believe they have this" situation, but then it slowly became something of a "Wow, if I could just have a bowl of cereal handy I would totally be able to revert back to my childhood!"

I suspect that that kind of thing could be therapeutic to me. You know, a sort of revisiting of that time period in my life, when all I knew how to be was to be just me. No self-conscious editing, no masquerade, just pure, unadulerated me. I need to remind myself to draw from that well every now and again so that I can remember who the real me is and what she represents, what she stands for. This is something I have unfortunately lost over the course of the last several years, something I have covered up by piling atop it layer after layer of bitterness, cynicism, wariness, suspicion, and anger. I mean, yeah, I was hurt a lot when I was younger; I was one of those children who are constant targets of bullying and harrassment. I had no real friends at all until I was fourteen. But at least I was comfortable in my own skin, and it's not like I've been able to avoid the unpleasantness by trying to be as proactive as I possibly could.

Sure, I'm never really going to be able to regress to that same state of mind I carried around me when I was eight, for example. Yet I could also learn a lesson from the little eight-year-old in me, and maybe being a little more like that will at least keep me from looking back at what I've done and who I've become and not recognizing anything at all. In all honesty, I have made some strides since my childhood days. I have learned so much and have gone so far. I will never forget that, nor would I ever; that's why I began this entry with some Duran lyrics. But I must also try to remember who I used to be. This is why I'll end this entry with the lyrics to a song that Mr. Rogers used to sing at the end of each of his episodes. Hopefully I can come to some sort of compromise and find the me I really am supposed to be.

It's such a good feeling to know you're alive.
It's such a happy feeling: You're growing inside.
And when you wake up ready to say,
"I think I'll make a snappy new day."
It's such a good feeling, a very good feeling,
The feeling you know that we're friends.